So now you see why I was so worried...but when I did manage to lower the walls, my heart wasn't broken as I feared. Yes, there were fresh scars from when some of the babies that I loved had died but it is intact...and actually larger. My heart swells with love for my little ones in Uganda and swells with pride when I see how big they've grown and how happy they are. Don't think I never cried about leaving them though, I cried many a days whenever I would change baby homes and my last couple of weeks were quite hard emotionally. Thankfully I got some great advice, from one of my second cousins I believe, "never say goodbye, just see you later". So that's what I did, I went to each one of my babies and toddlers and said "see you in a couple of years, I can't wait to see how big you've grown", or something of the like. It made it a much happier occasion, almost joyous, though I admit saying goodbye to all the nannies left me in tears.
I'm realizing now what a blessing it is to have God's heart for the orphans. Your heart claims them as your own, and though it is devastating when one of your own dies, it is well worth the pain of grief to have all the joy, happiness and love that accompanies it when you love them with abandon. I was even thinking yesterday that if I were given a chance to relive my life without some of life's pain and disappointments, I wouldn't take it. Because that would mean I wouldn't have had the opportunity, and privilege, to visit Uganda and love on their orphaned and abandoned. Going through life's tragedies has made me stronger, making me able to love with abandon even though I know the risk that doing so can lead to pain, but also knowing that it is well worth it.
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